Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
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60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
i want to work in this restaurant
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.