You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
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Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
So creative 😂
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!