[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
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my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.