I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
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Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
How dude HOW?!
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.