You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
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Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced