This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
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what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I’ve had relationships like this
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..