why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
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Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Human are so complicated
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.