Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
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birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.