I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
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It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Hard not to take this personally
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
🤣🤣🤣
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Bless you
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime