abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
They also CAN sing✌️
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
how many bears make up a bear minimum
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.