The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
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did… did they arrest the mountain lions
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
dream blunt rotation
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.