*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
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Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.