“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
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[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
no refunds
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
That’s not how days work.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.