One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
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“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
my sentiments exactly
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
The asteroid..
Great game to play with friends
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…