DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
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Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one