I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
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Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Jail
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
who wore it better?
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that