I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
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Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Tuesday
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅