Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
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Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.