me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
You Might Also Like
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination