Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
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Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever