20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
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THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Me My dog
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
The most important meal of the day is the next one