i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
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[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed