Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
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ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.