Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
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DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.