I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
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I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.