Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
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Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Facebook marketplace is a different world
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.