Trying to keep the riff raff away.
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The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”