my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
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Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
How to wake up a Beagle
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Remember folks 😂
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.