Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
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Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
The Compass
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and