A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
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I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.