me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
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No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
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