[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
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How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
When you let grandma cat sit
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.