to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
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me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them