[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
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Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
where do you see yourself in five years?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.