I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
You Might Also Like
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Breaking news:
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something