I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
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Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency