i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
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My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
We’ve all been there
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
This fish is cracking me up
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”