[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
You Might Also Like
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?