Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
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Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work