If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
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Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I’m already scared
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
don’t be scared
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.