(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
You Might Also Like
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
this is how life feels
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
inside you are two wolves
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.