I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
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Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.