Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
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Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.