Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
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Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”