I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
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The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition