[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
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One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.