Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
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You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
new year update: losing everything but weight
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
is nasa ok
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
so this horse walks into a bar
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.