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Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*