Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
You Might Also Like
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.