The eclipse was like April fools for birds
You Might Also Like
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
rich people when they have to pay taxes
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards